The Science of Praise: How to Build True Self-Esteem
Every parent wants their child to feel confident, capable, and proud of who they are. Praise seems like the easiest tool in the book — a quick “Good job!” or “You’re so smart!” But did you know that the kind of praise we give can shape a child’s self-esteem for years to come? Let’s break down the science of praise, and how we can use it to help kids grow true, lasting confidence.
Why Praise Matters
Praise is powerful because it’s a mirror. When we tell a child what we notice, they start to see themselves through our eyes. The right kind of praise helps children:
Feel valued for their effort, not just their results.
Learn to keep trying, even when things are hard.
Develop self-esteem that doesn’t crumble at the first failure.
The Two Types of Praise
Person Praise (“You’re so smart!” / “You’re the best!”)
Feels good in the moment, but can backfire. Kids may fear mistakes, thinking it makes them “less smart.”
Process Praise (“I love how hard you worked on that puzzle.” / “You kept trying, even when it was tricky.”)
Focuses on effort, strategies, and persistence. This builds a growth mindset — the belief that abilities grow with practice.
What the Science Says
Research by psychologist Carol Dweck shows that kids praised for effort are more resilient than those praised for talent.
Effort-praised kids choose harder tasks, bounce back after setbacks, and stay motivated.
Talent-praised kids avoid challenges and give up quickly when things don’t come easily.
In short: praise shapes not just self-esteem, but also how kids approach learning and life.
Everyday Ways to Give Better Praise
Here are simple swaps to make praise more powerful:
Instead of: “You’re so smart!”
Try: “You figured out a new way to solve that problem.”Instead of: “You’re the best at drawing.”
Try: “I love how carefully you added all those details.”Instead of: “Wow, you’re fast!”
Try: “You kept practicing and now you’re running faster than yesterday.”
Tips:
Be specific: Point out what exactly you noticed.
Praise effort, not outcome: Focus on the trying, not just the winning.
Encourage self-reflection: Ask, “How did you feel when you finished that?”
The Takeaway
True self-esteem doesn’t come from hearing “You’re amazing” a hundred times. It comes from knowing, deep inside, that I can try, I can learn, and I can grow.
By shifting from person praise to process praise, you’re giving your child more than a compliment — you’re giving them the gift of resilience, confidence, and a lifelong love of learning.
